How We're Doing

What we're experiencing now is a calm before the storm. Of course we are in emotional turmoil, but as far as daily life goes, there's not a whole lot we can do for Micaiah until treatment is implemented. We've done a lot of thinking and processing. Last night, Jerusha and I got to finally sit down and connect over all this. We talked through how we were feeling, but almost more importantly, we resolved how we would handle these challenges going forward. We established some emotional groundwork for our relationship during this stressful season and created some additional communication norms for ourselves. We also resolved that we weren't (as much as we can help it) going to consider what the future holds. Spinning ourselves out emotionally about what challenges we may be facing in 15, 10, 5, or even 2 years from now will only take energy away from the focus needed for this moment and this step of treatment. We resolved to keep our focus on whatever step of treatment we're in and continue praying for miracles.

One day this week (Tuesday, I think; the days are blurring together) I was sitting on the sofa, somehow both numb and on an emotional roller coaster. I looked over at Micaiah. He was playing with a toy firetruck at the time, making truck noises as he pushed it around. I thought of how tragic it was that he was playing as though nothing was wrong without even knowing the troubles he was facing. I was quickly corrected by the Holy Spirit. I was right that Micaiah doesn't understand his condition and that will create some challenges. At the same time, I was in danger of allowing my fear of what's coming inhibit my duty to be a present father, sharing the joys of life with him. In that moment, I was reminded to practice the disposition of humility by enjoying God's blessings rather than being obsessed with the curses and challenges of the world. This reminded me of the verse that has been my anchor this week: "Shall we receive good from God and not receive evil" (Job 2:10b)? Though this is admittedly an evil turn of events, our lives are still filled with so much of God's goodness.

The firetruck moment inspired another of our resolutions: We will do everything in our power to let all our children have normal lives not dominated by worry for the medical treatments of one of them. Elias and baby boy will certainly remember some challenges of Micaiah’s treatment, but that will be a quality of their childhood rather than the feature. Micaiah will remember his time of treatment, but it will only be one aspect of his beautiful childhood. Some may fear that this is an optimistic outlook. Certainly there will be seasons when this is hard to implement, but it is the duty we owe to our children. God has not promised us trouble-free life. Our parental duty to teach our children to love, serve, and glorify God does not change when circumstances change or when lives are made challenging or cut short. I guess a shorter way of saying this is to say that we don’t want to obsess over physical treatment to the detriment of our kids’ spiritual development.

Does this mean than we will reject treatment in an effort to pray the cancer away? Of course not; we will follow all the prescribed treatment we are given. It means that God will use for good the things Satan plans for evil. We may not understand it or see quite how or when the good will come, but we can teach our children what it means to trust in God through hardship. We can teach our children how to pray, reminding God of his character and the promises of his kingdom while maintaining a disposition of humility that accepts the evil with the good.

I say all this knowing that the future will be harder than I can imagine even now. I say this having already (within a week) discovered what it means to truly weep. When Micaiah loses his hair, becomes frail and sickly, and struggles to understand, it will add a new depth to my comprehension of grief. Days of struggle and pain are coming. Right now we are in a relative calm before that storm, struggling not to spiral into paralysis from all the what-ifs of the future. Please pray for us to faithfully raise our children and care for them in this challenging season.